In the course of our lifetime “feeling” is something we never cease to do. Behaviors change but realizations or the road which a person seeks in its course, seldom does. However, most of the feelings we feel are only the giants of the industry, namely, joy, grief, guilt, relief, content, excited and so forth. And like in any industrial setting the giants of our mind often supersede the little ones; takeover and mergers are common here as well. One such feeling that I realized I walk past every now and then is the feeling of being left out. We tend to confuse feeling left out as missing out, feeling blue and ending up with one of the leaders in the business, sadness. But I guess its a little more than that. We feel left out more often than we actually think we do, from situations which range from office parties to someone else’s life. And although mostly we blame it on ourselves, for something we might have done or had someone react to. There is one other kind as well. Being circumstantially left out.
Yes! Circumstances, course of events, fate or just because its not meant to be at that particular period of time. I think that this feeling of being circumstantially left out should be playing the majors in the emotion league as well. Here is how i feel it turns out to be. Although to start with, the situations that propel this particular feeling do not appear to be major threats, they usually turn out of events that assure your inclusion in a distant time period and thus give you the illusion of the most “not ok” thought of all—-“its ok”. You go about with it accepting the situation as it is when suddenly two very easy words join together to form one of the most difficult phrases to tackle, “what” and “if”. And that’s when it hits you, and it hits you hard. You start to think of what you would have done and how you would have done it, had you been there. It strikes you that the moment or the people involved want you to be their but your circumstances force them to leave you out of it. And no matter how you try , no matter how much you tell yourself , Its NOT OK. It never will be. Events which act as a stimulus to this sudden “katrina” in your mind may be anything, it might be a quiz that your old partner might be participating in and for the first time you are not their to fight with him for the answer, your parents anniversary with you being away, a friends live show and you missing it, it can be the most simplest yet most intrinsic of subjects. Your mind starts to wonder, you close your eyes and picture yourself sitting beside, holding the camera or standing in the front row and smiling up to the stage and the illusion of a merry event never saddens you more. And things are made worse by the best of efforts; when the people on the other side try their best to make you feel “being there”. The photos, the videos, the memoirs. You know that’s the best you can get, the best they can give you, the best your circumstance can offer, but the war is tough and you almost never win it. You end up beating yourself up, mauling your situation, hating your imagination for not being real. In short, you lose it for a while only for it to come back again.
But not all is dull and I believe in fairy tails, thus happy endings are kind of a natural. I feel this circumstances no matter how much you hate them, no matter how much I hate them, do bear a promise as well, it is because the word circumstance, in itself bears a temporal sense i.e. it bears the promise of change and that bit is something you can control. Its effect is huge but only for the moment. You are left out but not left behind, and that right there is my silver lining. You are in a race, the situations that you so want to be a part ,although might be ahead of you in this laps, but you can always catch if you have your eye set on the finish line. The quiz you might have missed, you could have it again, just turn your situation towards the same quiz club, the anniversary you missed, take the oath of making it bigger and being there the next time, the performance that might have gone on without you make sure it does not start without you the next time those lights flash and that sound check occurs. Because the best part is the people who sadly form the subject of you feeling left out are the ones who want you to be a part of it the most, and believe it or not that’s your sword and armor. The moment you start believing in this abstract reality, you know you have just picked up a nitrous and your wheels will be above the road in no time. Then what ? Finish the race off in style and show your circumstances the finger and salute them off to the horizon of the past.
Sadly enough though , I do not have any solution or advice to help you with it, because clearly I am scraping through the same pavement as you are, otherwise I would not have been writing this post. I wish you find your boost and find it soon enough, again, again and again till it works.
P.S. I know there are people out their who are really good at making such situations work, which makes this post sound kind of personal. Well, then, I guess it is.